Do you play with your hair?  Or love to have your significant other play with it?  If there is one thing I love … it’s having someone play with my hair.  Quickest way to my heart?  Play with my hair and kiss me on the forehead.

Close your eyes.  Run your fingers through your hair.  Reach up and capture strands between your fingertips and tug … and imagine every strand coming out.  Not just a piece.  All of it.  From the roots.

That’s me.

The “How to Have Cancer 101” presentation told me my hair would fall out within 10-21 days.  It started while I was in the hospital but yesterday – my day of freedom – is when it REALLY started falling out.  Happy day.  Sad day.  I mean it comes out easily in droves.

Whole drainfuls in the shower.

It’s unreal how easy it comes out.  Grasp.  Tug.  Gone.  No resistance.  And it’s not just a strand.  It’s the whole clump.

It wasn’t enough that I had the gut-wrenching sobs I blogged about … where I sank to the bottom of the tub and cried … but I am pretty close to that.  I wanted to shave my hair off – and be in control – but 4 days of Emerg and 6 days of Admitted kinda yanked my plans.

I have to shave it soon.

Years ago – when I was still with my abusive ex – I developed a nervous habit of twirling my hair.  It’s not Trichotillomania, the hair pulling disorder.  I just twirled my hair above my forehead when my anxiety ramped up.  When tension was building in the abuse cycle (look it up on google), my anxiety would build because I knew what was coming.  I’d tug at my hair.  And my ex would chastise me.  So I tugged more … especially with my middle finger. 

My anxiety tugged at my hair yesterday … and every strand of hair I grasped came out.  I can literally pull it out without trying.  I will take a photo.  It’s 4am as I write this so wait until 8am Monday and I will take a photograph in daylight.

It’s really unnerving to have clumps of hair fall out.  My pillow is covered.

The good news is that I love my wigs.  Blondes really do have more fun!  I can’t go anywhere without having someone approach me.  I met a guy at the Edge last night who saw me shopping in Loblaws … and just had to meet me.  Drinks were sent to the table for me and my friends.  We danced and laughed.  And then I had to burst his bubble with the “I have cancer” card.  Sorry Sweetheart.  I can’t be vulnerable, especially without hair.  Even if you thought I was 30.

You know what is really freaky?  How long roots really are!  I have some gray so I know my hair colour … hair roots are actually longer than I thought.  So when I pull my hair … it’s not just what you see.  The whole strand comes out with the root.  Gray.  Long.  Fuck.  FUCK.  Thank God I shave.

And why the hell did I have to shave my underarms yesterday?  Can I not have priority baldness?  Soooooo doing laser when the radiation is done.

Hairless in Ajax,


P.S. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my wigs from Jon Renau.  Thinking of having a party for everyone with wigs, hair extensions etc.  Will you come?

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